I Sell Weed... Legally

I started a new side hustle… because being self-employed doesn’t come with insurance, and BPD comes with lots of symptoms that require medication. By work standards, I have the best job I could ever possibly ask for. I sell weed… legally. I work at a medical marijuana dispensary in Cleveland,

Ohio. Is it the best side hustle, ever? One hundred percent, yes. However, there is a major setback that I am currently dealing with. I’m triggered. I work with an all male crew, and it’s getting to me.

Here’s the thing, none of them are bad guys, and not one of them has said anything inappropriate. My past, however, has me extremely uncomfortable around men. I’m not going to get into details, but I have some trauma surrounding an ex. And men make me flinch. So, when I got to my first day and saw that every single person on staff was male, I wanted to run. But I stayed… because nothing grows in comfort zones. Do I want to leave every single day? Yes. But also… it’s the best job, ever.

So, what does being triggered look like?

For me, in this instance, it’s persistent anxiety. There’s never a moment during my workday where I can just sort of exhale and relax. Now, some of those nerves are customary with a brand new position where you’re learning all new processes, but take that and double it. There’s the nerves from the

newness, and the nerves from the men. It feels like I could have a panic attack at any given moment. One of the many perks about my job, though, is that I get to control the music when I’m on the floor. That’s a big perk in my book. Music is my lifeblood. It definitely cuts down on some of the anxiety when I can just get into my music. It also helps me focus on the seven thousand steps to the transaction process. [Random aside: If you are a medical marijuana patient in Ohio and you’ve always wondered why it takes forever at a dispensary, it’s because there is a lot of red tape that we need to cross. Everything needs to be verified, and re-verified, and then triple checked. And there are constant eyes watching to ensure that these steps are being taken. We want to get you out of there as quickly as possible… it’s just a process, and we’re sorry].

Being triggered also looks like flooding tears at the slightest inconvenience or mistake. So again, mistakes are going to happen when one is new at a position. But apparently, that is not okay in my world. I’m so hard on myself and I need to be the best, at all times, always. It’s not achievable, and I know that, but I can’t stop. Because when I was a youngster and I made a mistake, I would literally get my ass kicked. So now… now I have to make zero mistakes. Trauma is fun. (That was sarcasm).

Despite being triggered, which I am working on, It’s got great benefits, both fringe and health. One of the benefits of working for this particular dispensary is that I am entitled to $5,000 in free products over the course of one year. It doesn’t kick in until after the first 90 days, but if I save my receipts, I

will get reimbursed for what I have purchased. The company will also pay to have my medical card renewed… which is roughly between $75-$150 depending on the physician’s fees. The health benefits are incredible too. They’re super cheap and very comprehensive. The pay is surprisingly not bad for what is essentially a retail position. I’m extremely grateful to have the job. I just want the triggers to stop.

So, I have some safeguards that I put into place, and they seem to be helping. The recovery fellowship I belong to has a meditation meeting everyday at 3pm, so I make sure to take my lunch then so I can attend. It helps. I also ground several times throughout the day by using the 5-4-3-2-1 method. If you are not familiar, you take some deep breaths and find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.I recommend this for any kind of anxiety that you might be experiencing. It really helps to get out of your head and back into the moment. I’m also in a position where I can be texting on my

phone throughout the day during downtime, so I keep in touch with my support group. Even with all these measures in place, I still come home and take my THC drops or hit my pen the minute I walk through the door. I usually drive home in silence because I just need to process my emotions. It’s a lot, it really is. But I’m not going to run away. I will meet this head on cuz Mama didn’t raise no punk!