One of the things you’ll hear me talk about in my Live Feeds is mental health. I’m a huge advocate for mental health. I’m also pretty open about my struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD. It’s hell. In this blog, I’m going to talk exclusively about BPD and my experience with it.
It took me twenty years (roughly) to admit to myself that I was Borderline. It’s a hell of a diagnosis, and one I ran from for a long time. I was first diagnosed at nineteen years old. I consistently struggled with Suicidal Ideation and depressive moods for… well, as far back as I can remember, to be honest. So what made me decide to face it? Recovery. For the first three years of my recovery, I went along with the typical misdiagnosis of Bipolar with Rapid Cycling. It was “better” to me than Borderline. Being BPD was a death sentence in my eyes. But being in Recovery taught me that if I can take responsibility for my mental illness, then maybe it doesn’t have to be so bad. Also, I learned what causes Borderline Personality Disorder, and I started to show myself some compassion.
What causes Borderline Personality Disorder?
In a nutshell, trauma; A lot of trauma over a long period of time. Which incidentally is also how someone gets Complex PTSD… and I have that too. I don’t believe the internet is the place to air out all of my dirty laundry, but there was some physical abuse in my childhood. Neglect, being raised by a parent of addiction, ongoing feelings of not being seen, valued, and understood, are all possible influences on a BPD diagnosis. So, when I look at this, I can be kind to myself, and remember that I had a rough go of it. But that doesn’t make it okay. I don’t WANT to do the things that BPD causes me to do. And sometimes, a lot of times, they can be hurtful to the people I love the most.
One of the worst things about BPD is the rage. I don’t know how to explain it. It comes over me so sudden, and I’m seeing red. It’s like a switch goes off, and I’m no longer in control of my body.
I hate it. I hate it so much that I don’t even have words to describe it… and I am great with words. In fact, that is how I hurt people. With my tongue. I find the words that will cause the deepest wound, and lash them at my opponent without hesitation. Only once the “red” has passed, and the episode is over, do I realize what I’ve said, and feel guilt and remorse. And there is a lot of guilt, shame, and remorse. My fight-flight or freeze sensation kicks in and I attack. I don’t like making excuses for it, but I do think it is important for other people to understand what happens. It’s not your average, “I’m angry”. It’s a thousand times more intense than that and I literally have zero control in that moment. One thing that has happened with Recovery is that the frequency and duration of the “red” moments have lessened. They’re definitely still there, though.
Borderline Personality Disorder also comes with a deep fear of abandonment. I remember back when I was married, my husband at the time and I had gotten into an argument. I went out for a drive and when I got back, he was gone. I immediately started hyperventilating and assumed that he had “left”. He just went up to grab some food. But because he wasn’t there when I returned, I just automatically assumed he was gone forever. BPD definitely comes with an Anxious Attachment Style. There is usually some jealousy and a lot of insecurity that comes with romantic relationships. Constantly wondering where the other person is, and if they are being faithful, are an example. One of the feelings I remember having in almost every single romantic relationship I have ever had, was that I wasn't good enough for my partner. Only in recent years has that gone away.
It’s not all terrible. It’s pretty awful, don’t get me wrong. But alongside all of this doom and gloom are some of the most spectacular joys I have ever felt. I get to experience life on a much broader scale of emotions and vibrations than most people. It helps me write, and paint, and create things that other people without this range of emotions could ever create. And for that I am extremely grateful. Triumph through my trauma has allowed me to forge some of the most beautiful masterpieces.
I’m constantly in recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, just as I am always in recovery from Alcoholism. It never goes away. I’m never “recovered”, in my eyes. I want to always be a work in progress. So, I surround myself with people who understand my diseases to the best of their ability, and can call me out when they see my disorder rearing its ugly head; whether that’s BPD, Alcoholism, or both. Unfortunately, the symptoms of BPD are grossly similar to untreated Alcoholism. That actually played a role in my walking away from AA. Perhaps that story is for another day. It’s really hard, is my point. What I want people to understand about BPD is that it’s not a choice. We’re trying really, really hard not to be this way. And there is help, and hope. One needs to be vastly self-aware in order to change, but it's possible. If you know someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, I ask that you try to show them compassion.
So, what can help? The hardest part about BPD is that there is no magical pill that you can take to make it go away. These behaviors are embedded into the personality as ways of coping with all the trauma. But there are practices and therapies that can help. DBT or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a major part in BPD treatment. BPD likes to only think in black and white and DBT helps the person sit in the gray area. Mindfulness is extremely important to the Borderline person. Really paying attention to feelings and triggers can allow the person with BPD to mitigate the episodes. Lastly, support. It’s hard to go it alone, in any situation. A good support group of people who are at least lightly educated on the topic, can be helpful. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. Borderline Personality Disorder turns me into a person I do not want to be. But I see it. I recognize it. And I’m trying like hell to change it.
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